Narcissism & Self-Care

What has been on my mind over this last week? All sorts of things, but one of the things that I've always thought about is being selfish. I touched on this a little bit last week, about being selfish but not for the reason of being a bad person. Selfishness and being a person you can't be proud of aren't mutually exclusive. And, I know that narcissism and selfishness aren't the same thing, but on some level, isn't everything connected?

I've always loved the Greek myth of Narcissus. I've always loved Greek mythology to begin with, but Narcissus' tale has always had a twinge of humour to it. A sense of karma, if you will. That the man who was so in love with himself eventually got what was coming to him. Tricked by Nemesis (the goddess of revenge) he's lured to a pool of water and falls in love with his own reflection, not realising that it is himself. In an attempt to be one with the reflection, he drowns, when he tries to embrace this figment. Of course there's more to the story- with Echo, the mountain nymph who falls in love with Narcissus but is cursed to only repeat the last few fragments of sentences. Like I said, this is a very general overview of the myth- but like all Greek myths it's steeped in morality and consequences for one's actions. But since then, narcissism has become something that has been looked at as exclusively awful. And, if you were to look at the mythology of it- then it's a warning that ought to be heeded, and what rewards you can reap by being selfish and valuing yourself too much. Of course though, it's just a myth. Recently, I've felt as though there's a difference between narcissism and loving yourself. The lesson to take away from the tale of Narcissus is what happens when one is so self-indulgent that he'd die to be with himself. Take the picture of Dorian Grey (one of my favourite books). Dorian is stricken by his own beauty, and entraps his soul into the painting to gain immortal youth. He embarks and does hideous things to keep his secret safe, including but not limited to killing the painter who completed the painting.

The film version had a tale of redemption, however. He falls in love with his best friend's daughter, and to save her from himself, he stabs the painting and dies. The original book was slightly different. He does die at the end, but not because of love. Driven mad by guilt of the things he's done, and truly looking at the painting and seeing it for the first time in its true ugliness- he stabs it, killing the monstrosity. Alas, I've gotten a little off topic. My point being here is that Hollywood would have you believe that loving yourself automatically equals arrogance. Look at any male character who's confident. He's always portrayed as a weasel, dishonest, cocky, arrogant and manipulative. And, I know that's a trope. A trope of the arrogant character learning to appreciate the people around him through hardship, and is eventually beaten down into becoming a better person. But here's the thing. I've spent the better half of my adult life being scared of being selfish, convinced that it would make me a bad person. Afraid of loving myself. Of being confident. There's nothing wrong with being shy or meek, not by a long shot; but you can be both. You can love yourself and still be a good person. In terms of my own growth, I've come by leaps and bounds. I'm okay with being confident (to a certain extent. I'm still quiet, but I'm not nearly as shy as I used to be). I'm okay with admitting that I love myself. I'm okay with admitting that I put together a fly outfit, or that I looked good, or that I made a good joke one day.

Which brings me back to self-care. It's easy to associate self-care only for the mentally ill. But self-care is important regardless of whether or not your brain produces enough serotonin.Granted, the kind of self-care you need will be different, but you get one puny human body for your whole life. It's kind of important to look after it. Not only to be physically healthy, but emotionally fulfilled and happy. Not so long ago, the concept of being happy was alien to me. I thought I would never get there. But, sometimes happiness comes through hardship. You've got to have a storm before you can see a rainbow.

I saw this a lot when I was on Tumblr a few years ago, that self-care boiled down to isolating yourself, cutting people off at a drop of a hat, being a nasty person, but also on the flip side, making a blanket fort, buying scented candles, and drinking tea and having a warm bath. In theory, I wish self care was that easy. It isn't. There's more to looking after yourself than scoffing a chocolate bar and staying up till 3 AM.

Self care means different things to different people, of course it does. But, here's the thing. When you're spiralling and when I'm at my worst with my mental health- I start to neglect basic things. A decent night's sleep, because even though I'm exhausted, bone tired; I can't sleep. I don't have the energy to sleep. The thought of falling asleep and needing to face another day is draining. Drinking water, talking to other people in the house, eating more than junk food, showering. This is all self care. Even if you have to force yourself to go down those stairs and pour a glass of water, do it. You'll feel so much better for it afterwards.

Of course there is a certain romance around self-care, as there is with most things in this life. And certainly, there's nothing wrong with building a blanket fort and drinking hot chocolate. I do it, we all do it. And, the older we get, the more we crave those little creature comforts because life comes at us so hard and so fast that we never get a chance to process it. To enjoy the simple things, like a phone call with a friend or a beautiful sunset because we're already thinking about what the next thing is that we have to do. It's important to note that self care, though sounding like a terrifyingly huge concept, isn't that. Self care can mean whatever you want it to mean. It can mean reading a book, or having an introvert day where you don't answer any texts, and for me, these days are a necessity. As someone who has always been more introvert than extrovert, I quickly become exhausted by social interactions and in order for me to function, I need days where I keep to myself. It's how I recharge.

Asante and I had a long phone call today where we spoke about what kind of direction I could take this post in, and we both agreed that the romanticised nature of self care you see online can really shape the way you look after yourself. And, more often than not, as Asante pointed out, these people who are paid to write these articles have a completely different life to us normal folk, but it's easy to have a sort of disconnect to these things. In the same way that when you get older, you automatically start to be annoyed by teenagers, because you forget what it felt to be one. When you're a teen, the school drama and the gossip, and the homework- it feels like the end of the world. You're stuck in that bubble of pettiness for five years; and it's the most important thing in your life. Because you're trying to figure out who you are- and to top off friends not being who you thought they were makes it that much harder to cope. It's important to remember that people older and younger than you are still people, and their struggles and experiences are just as valid at yours. Life isn't a competition of who can be more sad or have a worse off time. Every experience is valid. And that's part of the problem with depression, it makes you feel isolated or as though you shouldn't be complaining- because other people out there have it worse than you. You have a roof over your head, and money, what else could you possibly want?

Even though I've gone on a slight tangent, my point remains the same. Self care is not what you see online. Self care is more than mindless self indulgence. It's taking a shower, getting out of your pyjama bottoms, drinking water and going for a walk. If you can't face going for a walk, it's opening the window and allowing some fresh air into your home. In my own experience the most important thing I've found is to set targets for yourself. If your goal for the week is to get up before noon- set an alarm for 11:55- then the following day, 11:50 and so on and so forth. It's a small thing, but it'll help so much in the long run, and to get yourself out of negative behavioural runts. Revel in the small victories. Revel in answering that text message you've been ignoring for six hours. In doing little things. Of course, like I said, I'm not neglecting self care that's less basic. Have a skin care routine, paint your nails whatever colour you want, do whatever makes you feel good. My mum once gave me some very solid advice. She said that you should have something or a part of the day that nobody can take from you. She said that for her, it's getting up in the morning and drinking her morning cup of coffee. And, I think about that, because it's true. It's incredibly important to have something that's all yours. But, self care is also about making time for hobbies. Things that take you out of the mundane drill of life. This goes for me, too. I often don't spend enough time writing, when that's all I want to be doing.

Self care is a lot of things, and all of them are important. But remember to stay grounded. Don't neglect basic things. It's okay if you fail. As Twenty One Pilots say (and some of my favourite lyrics): "The sun will rise, and we will try again."

Until next time, friends! Have a good day, and be kind to one another.