What It Means To Be In A Committed Relationship

I think it can go without saying that most people are perhaps afraid of commitment. And, it can be scary. No matter what it's for, commitment can be something that can feel too big, too ominous. I'm not going to talk about the psychology of commitment issues, because I don't really think that's my place to do so. It's not my place to do so, one because I'm not a trained psychologist, and two because I don't really believe that it all stems from a psychological place. I think there's an inherent human fear of commitment. Because to be committed to something means that you are absolutely 100% certain that whatever it is is something that you want.

And when I talk about commitment, it doesn't just cover relationships or friendships, it covers everything that could be covered by the blanket term of commitment. It means even the silly things like committing to a movie, a TV show or even a dinner at a nice restaurant. It's all in different contexts, but all of these things are things that need to have a certain level of commitment.

However, the kind of commitment that I want to talk about is for a romantic relationship. I've now been in a relationship for over a year and a half, closer to two years than a year and a half. And to me, that's still something that I can't seem to be able to wrap my head around. Growing up, I never thought that I would ever be able to stay with someone for such a long time, and that was for a multitude of reasons that I won't get into. Some of them did include that my previous relationship had only lasted a few short months, I often got bored of the people I dated, or if it was someone I was somewhat serious about, I suddenly pulled away because I didn't want that level of seriousness in my life at that moment. Which didn't make much sense to me, I wanted to be in a committed relationship, it was something I craved, and yet when an opportunity was presented to me, I walked away from it. At the time, I thought long and hard about it, why would I walk away from something that I had claimed I wanted? Maybe it was because deep down, I knew that it would never work with the person I was with, and maybe I wanted to save myself some time and not get too invested in a relationship which I knew wouldn't last a long time. And I know that makes me sound like I have some sort of clairvoyant powers, but clearly that wasn't the case, I think even though I didn't have the words to describe it, I knew what I wanted, even though I didn't think that I knew.

Let me give you an example. If you read this blog regularly, or if you know me in real life, you would know that several years ago I was in a long distance relationship. I was in my second year of university, and I had just gotten out of a horribly complicated and long winded relationship with someone was the furthest thing from what I needed then. This guy that I was with was someone that I had been friends with for a couple of years, and immediately after my break up, this friend of mine was always there for me. He was supportive and sympathetic, and he made me laugh and wouldn't you know it? I suddenly realised that I had a crush on him. I agonised over this, knowing from our previous conversations that he didn't really want a relationship as he had other personal issues that he didn't want to talk about, and I didn't know if he wanted to do long distance, and I knew it wouldn't work. When I thought about it, all my brain did was throw all of the things that could go wrong with it. I knew that. Yet, I wanted to be with him. All of my friends at the time encouraged me, telling me to just tell him how I felt and just go from there. So that's I did, I bit the bullet and to my extreme surprise he said that he felt the same, and there it was, I had a boyfriend. Not only did I have a boyfriend, I had a boyfriend who made me feel good, who made me feel like I could do anything I put my mind to (which was something that none of my exes had made me feel before this point).

The months melted by, and I started to think that hey, maybe this could work. Just maybe, we could be the couple that would make long distance work. I started to think about the future, and when I thought of my life a few years down the line, I thought about it with him. We spoke briefly about him studying in England as he wanted to go to college, and I thought it was a great idea because then I could go see him more often, and maybe after he graduated, we could look into having a place together.

And me, someone who had never been into mushy sentiments or cringe couple things, was suddenly dating someone who made me feel mushy. And when I went home and told my then closest friend about it, and even mentioned my idealistic plan, she was shocked. She was shocked that me, this person she knew as an extreme sceptic, someone who scoffed at romantic gestures, had found someone who made her feel all of these things. She was incredulous, and she was disbelieving. And all truth be told, that hurt my feelings. It hurt my feelings to think that she didn't believe I was capable of doing sweet things for my significant other. However, I tried not to let it get to me. I was determined that this would work. Except, that at this point, I didn't know if I was doing it because I truly wanted to be with him, or because I had been met with so much criticism and disbelief that I wanted to prove other people wrong. I suppose it must have been a little of both.

Anyway, about two months after this, we broke up. I spoke about why that was in my long distance relationship post, so I'm not going to rehash the same information again. And breaking up, I thought I would be incredibly cut up about it, we'd been together for four months, which then, was by far my longest relationship. And it did hurt, and I'd done it in the belief that it was what was best for the both of us. But yet, months had passed, and sometimes I still found myself day dreaming of a little flat together or meeting him at the airport, and sometimes I thought that I must have made a mistake. That if I was still thinking wistfully of him, he must have been the One. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure if maybe, had I stayed with him, I would have settled because at the time it would have been the best that I would have been able to get. And that isn't to say that it wouldn't have been dreadful to be with him, it just means that he wasn't the best person for me. And commitment doesn't mean picking the first thing that's available because it's the only thing that's available. And maybe that sounds harsh, but I do believe that we need to do what's best for us.

I'm not going to give you a breakdown of every relationship that I had since then, but they were all along a similar ilk. Maybe a year after this, I met someone else. And on paper, it seemed as if he was everything that I needed. And maybe back then, that was what I needed. The point is that I have always believed that experiences when we're ready for them. But back then, my mental health meant that I wasn't ready to have a long term relationship, and this wasn't something that I realised until after we broke up. I was at a point in my life where I was deeply insecure and it was difficult for me to be with someone because I took everything to heart, and I was consistently scared that I would do something to mess it up, because I wasn't very good at being sentimental, or saying romantic things and I knew that was what would be expected of me, and that was something that I don't think I was ready for just yet, and it meant that it was difficult having a relationship. Talking about this, and talking about things and relationships that didn't work out is sort of tricky, because I'm trying to think of ways to phrase these things so it doesn't sound like the people I was with were nasty or mean people, or that they're people that I harbour ill will towards, because I don't, and with each new experience I learned something new and grew as a person and they're people that I cared about and still care about. However, I think even if I had gotten into a long term committed relationship with those previous people, I don't think I would have known what that would mean, and I don't think I would have been ready for that, because I was at a point where I needed to explore and figure out who I was and what I wanted, which I've spoken about in previous entries.

When I met my current boyfriend, I wouldn't have been able to tell you when I knew that I wanted it to be long term. I just knew one day, that I wanted it to be long term. And I also couldn't tell you what clicked into place that made me realise that he is the love of my life, it was just something that I knew one day, and I wouldn't have been able to trace my train of thought. It was something that I just knew.  But I was scared, of course I was. I was scared because I liked him so much, and the distance was terrifying. There were times when I was convinced that I had made a mistake and it would never work, but that was counteracted by all of the other times when I knew we would make it work, and where I was confident in our relationship and in the bond that we had made. It was very much a yo-yo effect. And it was also difficult because none of my relationships before him had lasted very long, and I grew to believe that I just simply wasn't capable of having healthy and lasting relationships and I was so scared of passing the two month mark, because in the past that was when I had usually realised if I wanted to continue being with them or not.

Now that I've been in a relationship for over a year and a half, it's hard for me to remember what it was that I was so scared about when it came to being in a long term committed relationship. That isn't to say that I'm not scared anymore, there are still times when the future scares me, even though it scares me less knowing that I'll have someone who cares about me who'll be with me through every step of the way. The thing is, that being in a long term relationship means something different to everyone, and that might seem like a painfully obvious thing to say but there isn't a manual for being with someone, and I think that most people assume that what works for one couple will also work for another, when that is entirely not the case.

Being in a long term relationship for me means that now when the future is being planned, it's being planned with my boyfriend, it means having that companionship, and it means knowing that there's someone who will be there through thick and thin, and someone who understands you. It means that decisions don't get made alone, because you have someone there who will help you, who will give you ideas and input. But that isn't to say that it's only ever easy, sometimes it's difficult, and that might be because sometimes I forget that I have someone I can count on, and someone who can help me and support me. But that isn't a fault in the relationship, that's just something I need to overcome in order to have a stronger relationship.

Something else I was scared about was spending that much time with someone. What if I got bored? What if it was awkward? What if eventually it stopped being fun? And something that I've since learned is that when you're with the right person, the silence doesn't matter. In fact some of my favourite times with my boyfriend is when we're just taking it easy and doing our own thing, whether that's playing video games, or just sitting on our phones and occasionally exchanging funny animal videos, it just means that we're comfortable enough with each other to spend that time together however we want, because so long as we're together it doesn't matter.

Being in a long term relationship is exciting, it's something that is worth working for, because it's so rewarding, and it's also scary because it's like walking into a fog where you can't see anything. The difference between walking into a fog when you're in a relationship and walking into a fog alone is that when you're with someone, whether that's platonically, or romantically or whatever sorts of labels you want to use, means that you've got a hand to hold. It means that there's someone there when you feel like it's overwhelming. And I don't mean to oversimplify relationships, even when you're with the right person it can be difficult, and I still get worried of the future because sometimes the thought of spending your entire life with one person can sound a little daunting, no matter how in love you are. And that isn't to say that I'm not excited for it, because of course I am, but it's a fine balance between being afraid and sabotaging and being excited and equally cautious.