Fictional Growth Vs Real Life Growth.

Ever since I decided to start up a new blog, I've been running through ideas in my head--trying to decide what would be the best first post to represent what this blog will be about; but to also represent what's been on my mind, a true reflection, if you will (if such a thing is even possible). I started drafts and only wrote a couple of sentences before abandoning them. I spoke at length to the co-author (Asante) about what would be a good post, and we yo-yo'ed ideas back and forth, different avenues and ideas, but nothing felt right. And, the funny thing is, the idea came to yesterday at work, as I was waiting for the kettle to boil. I wouldn't be able to tell you what my thought process was or how I got to 'growth' as a concept, but here we are.

I'm sitting here on a Tuesday morning, listening to Real Friends and having a mug of coffee as I try and tame my thoughts into some modicum of sense. In fact, this is a good starting point; Real Friends. As I write this, I'm listening to their sophomore album, 'The Home Inside my Head'. In a lot of ways, it's similar to their debut, 'Maybe This Place is the Same and We're Just Changing'. Definitely in terms of musical style, and in terms of themes; but here's where the differences lay. It's different, but still them. Whereas their debut focused on places and trying to move past things and people that might've hurt them, or people they've hurt, 'The Home Inside my Head' has a slightly less pessimistic vibe. They explore being selfish, but not for selfish reasons that we might assume with a villain. Being selfish for your own well being, and trying to let go of some of the skeletons in the closet- but admitting that they're still a long way away from being the people they want to be. And to me, that's a pretty good definition of what growth is. To me, growth, and more specifically, emotional growth stems from not only experience, but from a desire to want to better yourself. A desire to look in the mirror and admit your shortcomings. But more than that, admitting that it won't be an easy journey to move on, but also being self aware enough to understand that your mistakes are mistakes. They aren't a scapegoat for having a bad day, and they're not justification. 

I've often heard people say that they would love to go back and live certain parts of their life again, but with the knowledge that they now have. I'll admit, I've been partial to this way of thinking too, but here's the 'eureka' moment I had yesterday whilst I was staring at the water boiling in the kettle. It works in fiction, because it has to. It's a plot device to ensure a happy ending, and regardless of how much of a pessimist you are, we are all suckers for a happy ending. However, this is where we link growth back to hypothetical time travel. 

If you were to go back in time, and prevent event X from happening because you know what the outcome is, you aren't growing. If you stop yourself from breaking with an ex, or letting a friend walk away; you aren't growing. By taking away your past self's opportunity to learn why those events happened the way they did, you're giving your future self a chance to repeat those exact same decisions that put you in that situation in the first place. And by doing that, you're not learning. Growth and closure are often hand in hand. You can't have closure until you grow past the event that was holding you back, and unfortunately there's no cheating you way to this. It's time. It's time and faith in yourself that you're stronger than it. 

One day, you'll wake up and the thing that was holding you back won't seem like such a big deal. But here's the thing about growth. It's not some huge light bulb moment, it's not some beam of divine intervention. It's a slow slog, and a lot of the time, it doesn't feel as though you're making any progress at all. Some growth and closure means that you don't see it, but that doesn't mean that it's not happening. But every once in a while, whilst you're doing mundane things, like the laundry or the dishes, a little piece of the puzzle falls into place and you're one step closer to moving on. The catch is obviously that the more you think about it, the less it'll happen. Moments of clarity happen when you least expect them. 

One thing that I've learned in my twenty one years of being here, is that as much as we long for it, people don't make sense a lot of the time. The decisions, choices and opinions are sometimes contradictory and hypocritical. And not understanding why someone makes a decision is okay. In the past, I've driven myself mad by trying to break down situations into micro seconds to try and pin point where things went wrong. Whilst in fiction when a character thinks back on a situation, the heavens open and the choir starts to sing and lo and behold, they know. Often, real life is messier than that, and the people we love may not have reasons for things going wrong. It's often a combination of life events, who they are then, what they want in life, but most importantly- how they feel about themselves. We change everyday and whilst it's understandable to feel scorned, rejected or unlovable- often the situation isn't as black and white as that. Of course that's not always the case. Sometimes people are mean, simply because they can be. Unfortunately, that's a very bitter pill to swallow, but it's one that has to be swallowed. 

Unfortunately, some people simply like to beat down on kindness, on love, on compassion and empathy; all of the things that make human beings magical instead of crummy. Some people take advantage because they can. Hollywood would have you believe that everyone has a sob story, and that at their core, when given the choice: people will choose to be good. And, I want to believe that too, but that's a very naive way to think. Crummy, mean and bitter people exist, and they exist alongside us. You might not know that they're crummy until they want you to. Whilst hindsight is a great thing, there's a reason that it doesn't happen in the moment. We can only objectively look at a situation when we're away from it. Swept up by our emotions and our fantasies, it's easy to get carried away and paint people in a light that they aren't. It's easy to romanticise when we miss someone. It's easy to paint them black and white. Either as entirely good, or entirely evil- and forget the shades of grey in between. Every person you meet is hopelessly complex, and that realisation makes you head  feel as though it'll explode and if you're like me and you can't help but notice that every person you see in the street is their own person. With their own life, their own hopes and dreams and fears, and you'll never know any of them. 

I've gotten a little off topic, but to me, this is all linked in with growth. I've always been a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Every person you meet, every relationship, friendship, and fight all lead you to the path you're meant to be on. That isn't to say that I believe in destiny or faith- those concepts are incredibly abstract and there's no real way to define them because they mean different things to everyone. But I believe that every person you let go of, or every person that walks away is a learning experience. Whether it be God, faith, destiny or the very cosmos itself, I believe that every experience comes when it's supposed to. You learn things when you're ready to learn them, and you experience things when you're ready. 

It's easy to shut yourself off when you have a bad experience. To become petty and spiteful because it seems as though everyone around you has it so much better. But you have to remember, what you're seeing of them is one snippet of their life. It's the face they've deemed the best for public life. You never really know someone, no matter how much you might think you do. That could be sad, or it could be beautiful, and that's something you have to figure out for yourself. 

I guess if you'll take anything away from this at all, it would be to not let negative experiences define you. By letting those negative emotions run rampant, they win, and the world loses one more kind individual. Caution is okay, and sometimes it's even advised- by no means am I saying that you need to jump headfirst into everything without thinking about it. But I'm also saying that living your one insignificant human life only by caution and regret isn't much of a way to live at all. All experiences, good or bad, form life. It's a yin and yang, you can't have one without the other. 

The only way you won't grow or experience anything that life has to offer is by simple denial. Denial that you could be in the wrong (and that's just human pride, it's hard to admit that we're the problem sometimes), denial that someone you love could be crummy. Nobody is perfect. Heck, sometimes people are barely adequate. By pinning your idealistic expectations on people you're removing anything that makes them three-dimensional. A friend once told me that you can't be nice all the time because it would make you two-dimensional and I've carried that with me for years. Growth and being a good person comes from strength. Strength to admit your mistakes, to apologise, to admit that you weren't who you wanted to be. The moment you become complacent in analysing your own actions is the moment you stop growing. And it's hard, no one ever said it would be easy. If you don't hold yourself to your own standards, nobody else will- because they've got their own worries rattling around in their heads, and if you want to be a good person, that's entirely down to you. Don't blame the world for the cards you were dealt, it feels nice to point the finger at someone else, and that's okay. For a short term solution, anyway. 

Growth, in its simplest iteration is give and take. However, everything I've said here is based on my own experiences, and what growth means for you is something else entirely. Not having an answer for what growth is, is okay. Growth and living your truth are on the same wavelength. Being honest with yourself and what you believe in, what you want from life is the easiest way to grow. Asking yourself these questions means that you can try and be the best version of yourself that you possibly can be. Failure is okay. Everything, in the end, is a learning curve. 

Until next time, friends. Keep your eyes peeled for Asante's post on closure!